I can say that the 60+ detox is what got me threw. After our last email, I said I was done and I was. Now can see the opportunity to find someone who loves me without this drama. It may take awhile, in fact it may never happen. It is worth it to be free of wanting. Of wanting to hear I love you, for wanting his affection. Of trying to make someone, who is unwilling, to give me what I want and need to be happy. Life moves on and that is beautiful. Very beautiful.
Hampster Wheel February 15, 2009
So, Christmas Eve he came back and said he had made a mistake. I told him I need him to regain my trust…so fast forward to Valentine’s Day. We went out, saw a movie, went to dinner, then…he dumped me again.
So when he calls… December 17, 2008
Jef,
I love you and I still see potential for us, but I can’t make that happen on my own. Ultimately, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. As much as I would like to keep you in my life, I don’t want to deny my feeling. I do not think it is good for me to be your friend, right now. I want to go through the rollercoster of emotions so I can get to the other side with more clarity.
If you happen to have a change of heart about how you feel about me, you know where to find me.
He-Tox Re-Do December 17, 2008
So he texted me today to say:
“I want to apologize for being so upset about what you said before. I get it and I shouldn’t have gotten mad about it. Maybe we can talk this weekend.”
So I wrote:
“Why did you get so upset?”
He replied:
“I thought you saw it as me leaving you for someone else. And that’s not the kind of person I am. That’s why I would tell you if I was hanging out with her. I didn’t feel like I had anything to hide. Then I felt I did because of what you thought. I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow night.”
Am I crazy or does it seem like he feels guilty because there IS something going on? Maybe I am just jumping to conclusions because I am insecure.
Day 58 of My He-Tox December 16, 2008
So I just finished reading “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken”. They suggest 60 days of He-Tox, so today is day 58. I have thought that if he calls that I would say, “I love you and I want to be with you, but I can’t be your friend” Perhaps I should just not pick up the phone. Perhaps he won’t even call. Anyhow, only 58 more days to go…
A Hot Mess… December 16, 2008
I burst into tears today at work at the slightest provocation. I have lost 8 pounds since Thanksgiving. I am currently trying to eat lunch but I feel so nauseous, but if I don’t eat I may pass out…Why do people fall in love if this is a possible outcome? Will I ever be sure the risk is worth it?
It hurts again December 16, 2008
I am really crushed. I believed him. That he loved me. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he cared. Boom, the switch was flipped and he became an ice storm. My foundation has truly been shaken. I would have never doubted Jef’s love for me. My whole reality has been destroyed. How can love be so one-sided. How am I going to find love when I am going feel that they may just up and leave at any moment. My heart is actually broken. How did he just fall out of love with me? Why did he lie?
He really made my worst fear come true. He reenacted my father’s abandonment. The “I care about you, but I don’t want you.”
This really hurts.
2009: The Year of Men December 15, 2008
I have officially deemed 2009 to be the Year of Men, many, many men!
